Top 5 Confidence Killers in Children and Teens and How to Combat Them

As a martial arts instructor specializing in instructing children and teens I've spent the last

25+ years honing in on what makes, and breaks, a child's confidence. Confidence plays a vital role in a child's emotional growth. It influences their self-esteem, shapes their relationships with peers, and affects their willingness to embrace new experiences. Unfortunately, various factors can undermine this confidence, leading to long-lasting consequences. In this article, we will examine the top five confidence killers for children and teens, along with practical strategies to combat these challenges.

1. Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk can be a major barrier to confidence. Children and teens frequently take to heart critical comments from peers, teachers, and even family, which can damage their self-image. They might think, “I’m not good enough” or “I always mess up.”

To help combat negative self-talk, take note of how you yourself speak regarding your own abilities. Often children feel they are inadequate because they have learned negative self talk from a parent or trusted adult. If we model negativity about ourselves, our children learn from that example. This is why it's so important to value yourself, take pride in how you speak and act (both in private and in public) and constantly seek out endeavors that help you learn and grow. When our children see us striving to be better, they in turn will model that behavior.

Dave Ramsey always says, "More is caught than taught" and I believe that is such an important thing to remember in your day to day activities. Your children are always watching to learn from you, so even on the tough days keep this in mind, you will never regret leading through example.

Sometimes encouraging positive affirmations can be helpful. Remind your child that their thoughts become their words, their words become their actions, and their actions become their reputation. This can't be the only approach, however, as positive affirmations are a small part of helping children see their abilities and understand the important role they play in the family, their school, and within the community.

2. Comparison with Peers

Today’s children and teens face constant comparisons, especially through social media. So many teens feel pressured to portray a perfect life online, leading to feelings of inadequacy when they perceive their peers as more successful.

To help them navigate this issue, teach kids to focus on their own progress rather than comparing themselves to others. Encourage them to set personal goals and celebrate their accomplishments, no matter how small. Engaging in activities like martial arts not only builds physical skills but also helps improve self-acceptance and personal growth and lessens dependence on the digital world while helping children and teens to cement their standing in the physical world.

3. Fear of Failure

The fear of failure can be a paralyzing force, often rooted in high expectations set by parents, teachers, or themselves. A survey conducted by the American Psychological Association found that 61% of teens expressed feeling anxious about letting down their parents.

To combat this fear, normalize failure as a natural part of learning. Share stories of well-known figures like J.K. Rowling or Thomas Edison, who experienced numerous setbacks before finding success. Encourage children to see challenges as opportunities for learning and growth. Participating in activities that promote resilience, such as team sports or traditional karate with a structured approach to learning, can help them build coping mechanisms to handle setbacks better.

In addition, let children and teens know that everything isn't supposed to be easy. When they face challenges and feel the struggle, they may think they are in some way lacking or that there's something wrong with them when in reality, some things are supposed to be difficult. Reminding children and teens that tackling difficult challenges is how they can increase their confidence is a huge part of helping them understand why the challenge is important, and why fighting through the challenge and seeing success on the other side is worth the struggle.

4. Bullying and Peer Pressure

Bullying and peer pressure can severely impact a child's confidence. According to StopBullying.gov, about 20% of students in the U.S. report being bullied. These experiences can lead to feelings of isolation and diminished self-worth.

To combat bullying, foster open and honest communication. Encourage children to express their feelings and experiences. Teaching them assertiveness skills can empower them to stand up for themselves while ensuring they know how to seek help when needed. Creating a welcoming environment, like a supportive martial arts class, can help children build friendships and confidence.

Youth who connect with a peer group early on and find a place where they belong are less likely to feel isolated when peer pressure does rear it's ugly head. Getting started in group activities early on is the best way to connect with other like minded families who all share the same goals and interests. Often parents wait until the teen years to begin group activities, but by then, teens haven't learned the social skills necessary to feel comfortable in those groups. Starting martial arts, dance class, or team sports early ensures that chidlren make these social events part of their normal daily experience.

Finally, don't fall into the trap of thinking that your child has 'social experience' from their time spent in school. Often, the socializing that occurs at school is unsupervised and counterprouductive. If the only social aspect your child is subjected to is their time in school, they may be finding the opposite of confidence and value in those relationships. Talk with your child routinely about their peer group at school and whenever possible interact with their friends and the parents of their friends to build strong connections with those they spend their days with at school.

A group of children engaging in a supportive team-building activity

5. Lack of Support and Encouragement

A lack of support can stifle confidence. Children who feel their efforts go unnoticed may withdraw from activities they once enjoyed. A study by the National Institute of Child Health found that positive reinforcement can enhance a child's motivation by up to 30%.

To combat this issue, celebrate not only their achievements, but their efforts as well. Focusing on effort rather than outcome reminds children that how we approach and tackle obstacles is what matters most. This small shift in mindset can lay the groundwork for years of achievements through a consistent practice of dilligent effort.

Create an environment where children feel valued and understood. Participating in physical activities that are individual based, like martial arts, not only offers skill development but also provides valuable support from instructors and peers without playing the comparison game.

Building a Confident Future

Confidence is an essential part of a child's emotional development, and recognizing the factors that can undermine it is crucial for caregivers. By addressing negative self-talk, peer comparisons, fear of failure, bullying, and lack of support, we can help children and teens foster resilience and self-esteem.

Encouraging participation in activities like martial arts can be an effective way to promote confidence and emotional growth. By creating a supportive atmosphere and advocating for youth to feel confident being assertive in social situations, we can empower the next generation to face challenges with strength and assurance. Every small step counts in nurturing a child's self-esteem and emotional intelligence.